Mindfulness and Tough Decisions

There are many times in our lives when we need to make decisions.  Sometimes they are fairly easy, like whether to leave early for work to have enough time to get a coffee along the way, but sometimes there is the innate knowledge that a decision we are facing can be life changing and the fear and self-doubt arises.  Will the decision make life more enjoyable, or will it make life more difficult than it already is, and how will I know?

I recently had to make one of those really tough decisions when I decided to get out of the field of addiction treatment.  I made the decision last Friday, although I have been toying with it for a while.  What I mean by toying with it, is that I have been checking out my thoughts and ideas with those around me.  I used to base my decisions solely on the opinions and advice of others, which absolves me from any sort of responsibility for the final outcome.  When I started to heal and became aware of my propensity so shirk responsibility for my own life (which was a hard pill to swallow when I became aware of it), I stopped relying upon others to make my decision for me, but still will seek feedback from those I know and trust.

I got into the field of addiction treatment because I, myself, have a pretty bad history of alcohol abuse – like, chronic alcoholic, Dr’s telling me I was likely not going to live to see my 35th birthday - bad.  I’m 54 now, still alive, and free from my alcohol addiction.  Sometimes I think I am in recovery just out of spite, something I know I will do, but when I go deep-sea diving within myself, I know I got rid of the alcohol because I really do love myself and hated what I was doing to myself and my family.  

I had been sober for close to 5 years when I began working in the field.  For me, I understood the depths of my traumas and knew that I had a lot more work to do for myself before I was able to confidently stand on my own two feet without the crutch of the alcohol.  I began working in treatment centers so I could keep MYSELF in treatment. 

I had an innate understanding that as I was working to help others heal, my clients were helping me to heal myself.  People with Substance Use Disorders (SUD) (that’s what we call addiction now) are the most gentle, loving, compassionate and intelligent people when you can look behind the curtain of all the bravado that is trying to protect the soul and they will share that goodness with those they deem worthy.  Unfortunately, most people don’t want to pull back the curtain and take a look, so all they see are chaotic, disorderly criminals who don’t have the sense to see how much harm they are doing to themselves and those around them, nor the fortitude to change it.

That’s not what people with addiction problems are.  They present that way, but it’s not the truth.  My favorite part of my job as an LADC was uncovering who the person really was, looking behind the curtain and hearing about all the stories that got them to where they are today, but as much as I love them, the stories are my demise.  Because I am an empath, or a sensitive, with a little bit of random psychic ability sprinkled in, I not only hear the story, but I am transported into the story and I can feel the emotions, smell the smells, and sometimes am whisked into the scene as if I was there.  I can feel the tangled family dynamics, disparities, repression, confusion, and hopelessness as if it were my own, and when I return to the world, I would still be able to feel the pain as if it were my own.

Walking away from treating addiction was a difficult decision to me.  I felt like I was deserting my people – deserting those who needed me most, but something kept telling me (and showing me) that it was time to get out of the field of SUD treatment.  I find that there is a fine line between perseverance and banging my head against a brick wall.  Spirit had been pushing me to go in another direction for some time, but I simply wasn’t paying attention.

When I imagined working as a healer, and someday meeting Oprah when I get interviewed for Super Soul Sunday (one of my fun dreams that keeps me going on the days when I feel like I am a total loser), I would get excited, my heart would get lighter, and I could feel it expand.  I kept trying to keep one leg in the SUD industry and I wasn’t able to move forward or make sense out of what I was trying to do in my business.  I kept turning inside for guidance, and I would get signs to show me where to go, but I often second guessed myself and keep doing what I was doing instead of allowing myself to be guided towards my own best expression of my Divine gift.  The interesting thing about that is, when I tried to ignore the signs, the Universe would “turn up the volume” and doors would just shut, not close gently, but literally slam shut, forcing me to try something new!  I felt like the ball inside a pinball machine.

I finally started to get the hint, (I’m a little slow on the uptake, but once I catch on, I’m golden), changed trajectory and exited the SUD field.  I realize that I am no longer confined by my own primary definition of myself as an alcoholic.  Although I remember it, it is difficult for me to imagine being that person today.  That is not to say that I never have the thoughts or desires to drink, it just means that I recognize they are thoughts, that I don’t have to act upon my thoughts.  I finally saw that I am actually quite responsible when I am not all liquored up, have a sense of personal power, and I don’t need to be in treatment anymore. 

So last Friday, when I made the decision to “turn my will and my life over the care of God, as I understand [God],” by allowing the SUD piece to be released, I realize that I am on an amazing journey that is taking me well outside of my comfort zone.  I feel like I am free, have grown wings and can fly, and I now realize that my anxiety was actually excitement.  It wasn’t the response I was expecting from myself.  I didn’t see the excitement because I wasn’t expecting it to be there.  This is called a Bias Fallacy in the world of Psychology, and it means we only see what we want to see.

Now I see signs everywhere and know that I am on “the right track”.  How do I know?  Because when I think about changing course so late in life and have the courage to pull back the curtain to look at my own pride (which includes owing $65,000 in Federal Student Aid for a license I won’t be using, the sense of accomplishment from being a licensed counselor, and being able to have credentials behind my name), I feel good! – in fact, I feel FANTASTIC! 

That is the sure sign for everyone; how does it make you feel?  Not only in the moment, but how does it make you feel when you have the courage to look behind the curtain and face the truth about yourself, your values, and motivations?  We need to take a moment to notice how the natural consequences of our decisions make us feel so we can sculpt our lives according to what feels good.  I have noticed that when I make decisions based on truth (what feels good to my soul), the natural consequences are for the greater good of all – and THAT feels REALLY GOOD!