This Little Light - Grounded in Truth, Rooted in Value
The end of the year will often catapult me deep into thought, dissecting the past 12 months to determine what I did well, and what I need to work on. This year brought me face-to-face with my surprising lack of self-worth and personal value.
As I sat alone and in silence, I turned my attention inward. Was there a single event or moment that had trapped me in a cycle of believing I was “less than” and living a life marked by one form of lack or another? In a moment of clarity and truth, I saw it: thinking small and underestimating my own magic had become a habit. One that I’d never that I never broke because I wasn’t able to see it (habits are sneaky like that).
I remembered my younger self—happily doing my own thing, showing up for life as authentically as a toddler proudly wearing his favorite Spiderman costume to church. Don’t get me wrong, I have had more than my fair share of situations in life that made me question myself, but it never took long to bounce back to being my carefree, slightly weird, and wonderfully unique self – in a Spiderman costume.
So what changed? What happened that made me identify with a lifestyle that I wanted no part of? The silence following the question revealed to me that the shift started when I met my first husband. Jack ran with the most fascinating crowd—addicts, skinheads, hookers, misfits, and creatives. It was like walking into the cast of a gritty, indie film. Fascinating? Absolutely. Nurturing of my self-worth? Not so much. If it weren’t for the love and support of my friend Melissa and her family, things could have turned out so much worse. So, instead of becoming a homeless junkie living on the fringe, which was not out of the realm of possibilities, I carried the idea of being one for years. That self-concept had become solidified into a shadow that followed me for decades, and it only got worse when I began working in addiction treatment. I felt like I was living a lie, between looking like I had it all together but still feeling less than, and like I was constantly searching for something I couldn’t quite find – the missing piece of the puzzle.
Fast forward to now—57 years old, and I finally got a glimpse of what I was looking for. I received my metaphorically lost luggage, opened it, and started to unpack it. As I rifle through the suitcase, I see that even in my darkest moments, I always had this inkling of my inner greatness. The whisperings of that spark inside of me that has purpose, drive, a little bit of weirdness thrown in for good measure and color, and a whole lot of faith. All things considered, I think I got out relatively unscathed.
As I sat quietly that morning reflecting on my life, and what I had become, a great feeling of sadness washed over me. I couldn’t believe that I had kept myself imprisoned by my feelings of being “less than” for so long. But in that same moment of truth, I was able to see my value—not in some abstract, self-help-book way, but really feel it. It felt weird, and a little awkward at first, but I liked it. I liked it a lot.
In this space of clarity, I finally see that I’m incomparable. Nobody else can be me, and that makes me priceless. Like a rare piece of art you can’t put a price tag on because there’s nothing else like it to compare it to. It’s about knowing that I am worthy of peace and happiness just because I am ME! I don’t have to be an expert at everything or achieve some impossible standard of perfection before I become worthy of a good life. My worth and personal value lie in how I express myself in the world with my unique, one-of-a-kind way, complete with quirks, odd-ball ideas, crazy-schemes, and all. The realization feels solid, like the deep roots of an ancient tree grounding me in the present moment. It’s as though I’ve finally stepped into the person I was always meant to be.
That elusive, unidentified missing thing I was always looking for is the freedom I feel now, and I didn’t even realize it always there. I was looking outside of myself for my own worth and value and all this time it was within me. Grounded in this understanding, I see the world differently—not as a place where I have to prove my worth, but as a canvas where I get to express it. And with that shift, life feels more vibrant, more meaningful, and definitely more magnificently, unapologetically, and authentically, me.
May you Find Your ShiNe and spread your light wherever you go!
Peace,
Paula
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